This is Alyssa writing, or at least I think she is. The whole day, I been fighting the urge to break any emotional defenses, because I felt that I have said what I could said. And anymore would be manipulative. But I guess that doesn't cull negative thoughts. I don't like these bad memories. I don't want to feel this way.

It's 3pm and it has been a long miserable day. There's pain, hurt, anger and sadness so tightly curled up inside of me that it could make me retch. I feel kind of numb I would say. I know for a fact it's all a great big mistake but what can I say or do? How can I convince someone that my feelings are true? How can I ask someone to stay when he is sure he wants to go because of the negative thoughts? I don't want to be selfish, but I don't want to live my Life in fear and regret.

In life, there will always be choices and up till today, I have always made okay choices that allowed others to move on without me being a nuisance. But why the difference now? I smell desperation and the stench of pathetic in me.

I have tried so hard to keep everything in line and my life as normal as possible. But it seems that I am just not trying hard enough. Still, it gives me some temporary peace of mind to lay out the demons in my head in writing.

I'm expecting there will be more.

Alyssa